A Whole Lotta Thoughts…Blame It On The Meds !

I will admit, I have been more or less, MIA for quite a while – even from writing. That’s been the one shock to myself, because I love to write. Truthfully, I really enjoy taking a look at what’s happening locally and commenting as I see fit, which hasn’t always proven to be endearing to family and some people within the community – but, as I like to think, I don’t get paid to be charming. I do, however, take great pride in knowing whatever I write will be honest and candid. I also like to touch on friends and family, from time to time – the joy of my life.

The fact is, as a few people know, I became ill before Thanksgiving and I was hit hard and fast, with little warning. From there, as I told Glenda Aul, it seemed to snowball. At first, it reminded me of when I first became very ill in 2004. I went to bed, feeling great – all snuggled up in my flannel sheets, with a good book. I woke up the next morning and felt as if someone had dropped a house on me. Even with my education and knowledge, for a month, I would go to bed every night, hoping and praying I would wake up and ” be normal. ” That never happened. I didn’t tell my family for months, after I had a diagnosis of what was happening. By then, I was ravaged quickly by a number of issues and progressing faster than I had believed possible. Already frustrated and pissed off that the usual treatments were not helping, I was making plans to travel to India for my first Ayurvedic ” boot camp. ” First, however, I thought it might be wise to explain to my mother and the rest of the family in Florida. After all, they had no idea what was coming at them, other than the usual ” Oh, my God, she’s coming for a visit ! ” bolt of lightning. I spilled my guts in less than a minute and went on to say ” Let’s get on with my vacation ! ” I was doing my best to be the same ol’ Deb and ease any concerns they might have.

This latest episode hit the same way, only more intense and, to be honest, more frightening. I was suddenly in bed and unable to tackle the most menial chores. Everything was different. I am a voracious reader and I was no longer reading anything, much less switching on a movie. I didn’t say it out loud, but I was scared. When I was first diagnosed, I was told I might have nine years, if nothing else popped up. Well, in nine years, things were popping, but I wondered ” Could that dumb fuck had been right ? “

From there, as I have said, things started coming apart. I was seeing doctors, going for labs, doing the MRI things – but, there was still much confusion among my medical care team about what was happening to me and why. My veins were so bad it was almost impossible to get an IV inserted while in the ER, much less draw more blood. The concern was, at that time, I was possibly going to slip into coma and that got my attention, briefly. I rolled over and asked for more blankets. It’s said your life flashes before your eyes. For me, it was ” Wait a minute, there are things I want to do ! “

Thanksgiving came and went, as did Christmas and New Years. This should explain why I didn’t send out Christmas cards. Those were just days on a calendar, in this house and to be honest, I didn’t care. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to see my family in Florida, but I could barely move across the room, much less a 1,100 car trip and forget flying. I was just trying to work with my medical team and get to the bottom of what was happening to me and how to fix it. I was increasingly isolated and, in my emotional state at the time, it might have been for the best. Let’s face it, I do have a vile mouth even in my best moments, a gun, as well as a lifetime carrying permit.

I am now on the road to getting better and I even have a renewed passport, so I am feeling optimistic. Finally ! Even though I am still in treatment and can swallow enough pills in one hand full that makes Linda Lovelace look like an amateur. No brag, just fact. To be honest, they are all legally prescribed and I don’t especially like them, but until my happy ass gets back to Dubai and India, these are my only options. Trust me, I’d have rather been hunkered down in a shack in Dharavi, going to Podar everyday getting care than what I’ve been through locally and in Indianapolis.

While on my medical MIA, I would glance at the local paper and occasionally do a little Facebook.

The local paper soon disgusted me and as a once avid commenter, I was sickened by what I was reading and how The MSP Czar randomly handed out warnings and censures based purely upon what I believe to be personal feelings. As time went by, I noticed that one of my friends, a very informed and vocal advocate for the people of Muncie and Delaware County was being targeted, not only by the MSP Czar, but by locals who seemed to follow her posts and lambast her every word, even taking cheap shots when she was not posting – yet those clear violations of Terms of Service were being violated, yet that seemed to be peachy keen with The Czar. I do believe because her voice and her writing has been so on target, every attempt was being made to discredit her on every level.

It certainly doesn’t inspire anyone to jump into the fray, unless you have a vested interest in this town or perhaps jockeying for position in an exclusive and very close circle of wannabee movers and shakers. Maybe one day, I’ll revisit my old literary stomping grounds, when it once again becomes literate. I have a feeling that could take a while.

Winter has come and almost gone and I feel as if I’ve missed it, except for those trips back and forth to medical facilities, but those don’t really count. I have enjoyed watching the snow fall, I will admit that much. When Dad and Mother were both alive, I’d call each of them to squeal ” It’s snowing. ” Dad wasn’t impressed and Mother was simply glad to be in Florida.

Me ? I am just glad to be here. Thanks for waiting for me. Deb